I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
