i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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