walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I can't turn off my feet"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We had sex on a dog bed..
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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