life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
