the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
