If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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