I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
