i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
