It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
