Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
