I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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