Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
