cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
