i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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