youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
