Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Randomize
