You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
