If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
