I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
