I wish my penis had an off switch
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize