I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
