I love how my cats smell like pot.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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