I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
