3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize