I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
