it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
