I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
