Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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