At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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