I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
