I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
