If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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