Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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