I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
