I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
