So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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