currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
