i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize