I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
