i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
