I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
