Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize