3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
