Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
