The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
