i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
