So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
