Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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