I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
