im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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