the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
