someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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