the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
