once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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