Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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