i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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