she smelled like a LAN party
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
