Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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