Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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