Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
