My underwear smells like fireworks.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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