My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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